My husband has his ups and downs, he would always get a little depressed once in a while, but he would blame work or of course the not enought sex, never enough sex for him! We would talk fix the sex part untill the next time it came up. He never wanted to change jobs because he was worried he would never make enough to support us. I asked why he was depressed, reached out to his friends, asked if he was having an affair and he denied it, but kept pushing me away at the same time telling me he was in love with me.
I cried everyday for months and he watched me and lied to me. Turns out he was having an affair for about 2 months, I felt like this is the end this is what he was preparing me for. I just felt numb, how could my husband, soulmate, best friend, my everything betray me and our children like this. I want to feel special again, wanted, beautiful. All we do is argue and point fingers about the past flaws in our relationship. I thought time apart would help but it just leaves me alone, depressed, womdering what direction my life is going , and worst wondering what he is doing, if he isn;t calling or texting me then is he texting her.
I would of bet my life on him never doing this to me. Please help if you have any advice. I know we both love eachother but I just wonder if we can move forward. I feel like my mind is my own worst enemy. You will never find relief in this ongoing story, P. You must go directly to your own thoughts and feelings. Feel the feeling, and realize that you are so much bigger than them. Then you can begin to tap into the wisdom in you that can intelligently guide you.
As I said to someone else here, I have written about these topics many times, and you can find these articles in the archives. I can only guide. The true healing comes when you get serious about letting go of the story and welcoming your own emotional reactions. Be fully open and present to your own in-the-moment experience. I need help letting go of pain.
I know that sounds very broad. I feel so weighted. I am 35 and never really accomplished or finished anything. Ive had issues with debilitating anxiety and very low self esteem. I am easily hurt and withdrawal easily. I get caught up in the past a lot. I have a hard time with the loss of my grandparents. He was an alcoholic when I was young so my home life was very rocky and lonely as an long child. And his drinking has never stopped.
I just want to separate all the pain from ME. I have no idea who I am and I hate it. Anything can hit me like a ton of bricks and I get upset and withdraw. I want to be mentally and emotionally healthy, happy and FREE. I want the past to be in the past. Any help would be great. Thank you. Somehow you found your way to this post that is about 10 insights and tools that you can apply to your own situation to begin to be free of the past.
This IS the help that I can offer. Read each one and apply it to your own experience. Take your time to see beyond the story of what happened. Take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings — and your own healing. I have written about these topics many times, and you can find these articles in the archives. Last week, I had a class go terribly, and my anxiety came back into play. Letting go — despite all my reading on the subject — is not easy. This calls for you to be very kind to yourself right now, Steve-O.
It sounds like you have had some success dealing with your anxiety in the past, so maybe you can put into action the things that helped you before. Can you be with them the way you would with a child who is hurting? Can you say soothing statements to yourself when these feelings are present? Take time out and do things you enjoy. Find one person who feels safe to you, maybe a stranger, and look them in the eye and say hello, just for a few seconds.
Slow down, breathe, and help yourself to feel safe again. I have experienced the worst feelings in my life and now I am hurting to find out the person I cared about is a kleptomaniac. And has seriosly hurt me. Now I am having to deal with the pain. And he is telling me he is sorry. The sorry is not enough anymore.
And I want hime to undo everything he has done. And someone told me what would be a successfully undoing. I have seriously thinking about that. Also I have to deal with my emotions which have become numb. You might want to consider if this is a person you want in your life. If not, have the courage to move on. Yes, sorry is often not enough. The person saying sorry also needs to be committed to a change in behavior so you can trust again. Thank you so much so share these facts. I hide my wounds and refuse to accept the fact that I had made wrong choices in life and each time I remember the details, my anxiety got worse.
I tried hard to suppress my emotions and opening myself up is so painful. Do I really have to open up my wounds before I can heal my past? That is so painful! But I wonder if suppressing your emotions and refusing to accept responsibility for your choices is working for you. I have experienced tremendous freedom — and relief — from allowing painful emotions to be felt, seen, and experienced. It takes a lot of energy to resist the truth. Maybe you can start by meeting this fear with loving openness.
You can read about befriending fear here. There is also more about fear in the archives of this site. Ive been married for 32yrs and have 4 adult children. When I married my husband I was not accepted by his family.
I live opposite them on our farm. My past emotional hurt keeps arising and I have been to therapy but find triggersnoccur on a n almost daily basis. An example of this would be my husband spending everyday running around for his aging father he is a great son dropping work and the 3 hours a week we are meant to spend a week together without hestitation.
Yet my husband never has done anything for me. When i was in premature labour he was too bust to take me to hospital. Instead his mother took me. I go yon holidays by myself as he is too busy. I dont go to important family events on my side of the family because he is too busy. Everytime his dad rings he is wanting my husband to do stuff. I stew inside and feel hurt..
Hi Trina, Great that you want freedom from negative thoughts and want to move past the misery. Take each one in and start to apply it to your own experience in the moment as your life unfolds. This would be an excellent beginning for you. Wishing you well on this journey…. I needed this. Yes, Sally. Our thoughts are unreliable, so better not to trust them.
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Then emotions are free to come and go. I am in love wid a girl for more dan 3 years and she was my bestie from childhood and later on turned up to love.. I several times think that its all over n my love is burried and i think to move on but our love is stopping me and pulling me back.. I get lots of positive support and advices from my parents and friends and now they all are tired in process of making me change n live happily but am still dying daily eid her thoughts hoping tat she turns up one day…what shld i do to make myself move on happily..
Take it day by day, Kishor. Make commitment within yourself for your own peace and happiness. Then walk through the steps in this post and apply them to your own experience. Once you are truly ready to move on, take every moment and figure out how to make it a better one. I was with my ex boyfriend from We were together for 3 years but i knew i was wrong because i was already committed to someone not yet married but i couldnt help how i felt for this man. We broke up last year as i was trying to behave sour and get out of this relationship before i hurt him. My husband now and i were having a long distance relationship.
I just couldnt help myself as i had never felt like that before. I got married this year and its been almost 2 years since i broke up with my ex boyfriend and i cant let go. He doesnt bother to contact me at all … i message him like hes my online journal just to make myself feel better that hes still in the picture. I dont know if im suffering from a heartbreak or why i cant let go of my ex boyfriend.
I thought i was over him until recently i cant get him out of my head or my heart. Its been so long since ive seen him and not a day goes by that i dont think about him. I feel like hes ruined me emotionally although this entire thing was my fault. I just dont understand how I can still be stuck on him. My marriage was having troubles for the first couple of months; but i felt like maybe because i am still emotionally attached to my ex boyfriend. I need some tips on how i can get through this. I feel like an emaotional wreck. I was good for a while kept my social circle big, attended parties just to not think about it.
Now its like the feelings went away but are coming back. I am going to start praying for a new me I maybe a little distanced from God and focus on my marriage and i hope this doesnt last too long.
What I discuss on this site is not a quick fix for feelings or difficult situations. What I talk about here is how to meet all of our experience consciously — with love and awareness — and the wisdom that arises from doing that. Begin by being honest with yourself about why you make the choices you are making. Are you driven by fear or need? Is that what prevents you from showing up fully in your marriage? If so, be loving with yourself as you let fear or need be present.
There are no easy answers here, but you can choose the road of authenticity. Be the best partner you can be for your husband, which includes no longer texting your ex boyfriend. It might take some time, but let yourself unhook from him — for your own peace and happiness. Choose a life of ease and harmony for yourself — then see how you can put that into action every day. I had a difficult childhood. My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was 3. My father was in the Navy so he was always gone. We moved every 3 years. Shortly after I turned 12, i had been taken out of school for a little over a month so I could help take care of her, then she passed away.
I did get spanked as a child, but nothing I would call abuse. But when I think. But easily remember are the very sad memories i have of watching her die over the last month she was alive. My father worked a lot, so from then on, i basically took care of myself. I grew up too fast, I think. My father made a lot of selfish decisions, he still does. I would be the first person to say I have Daddy issues. But now i just want them and primarily him, behind me. Talking to him is not possible. Envision yourself fully alive, then step into that vision and live it.
I love this response.. Dear Gail — firstly, I enjoyed your post, but more importantly, it is so lovely to see all of your supportive and helpful comments to every comment posted. I view this as a true demonstration of the care and responsibility you show in your profession and the respect that you have for your clients. However, the feelings are still there. Over the course of my adult life, I have not enjoyed positive romantic relationships and I have never really felt safe or lovable in relationships. This is the result of the parenting I received and significant trauma as a year old.
My fear is that I will miss out on ever feeling truly loved by another because my defences are so strong. My longest relationship was four years, with the father of my daughter. This ended because he was an unmotivated, marijuana smoker I thought he would change! I do love and enjoy being me and have become so much better at taking care of myself. I meditate twice daily for 20 minutes, have been to psychologists diagnosed with delayed PTSD and attended counselling, when I feel the need, and try to go on a retreat each year.
I read self-help books as well as those by the spiritual masters to broaden my perspective on life. I have also raised a 13 year old daughter, of whom I am immensely proud of and I am also proud of myself for being a conscious, non-violent, loving parent. While I do enjoy intermittent enlightenment, when it comes to the world of dating, i feel hassled and obligated and my primary drive is to be alone. My friends have complete faith in my ability to overcome this struggle and I am lucky enough to attract good, intelligent, decent men, but I am yet to find somebody sufficient appealing to me to take it to the next level.
I understand this is most likely because I am emotionally unavailable, due to the fear and discomfort I feel. I know that ultimately it will be worth it, but I could use some wise words. Sounds like a lovely path you are on, Amy!
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The next step is to meet this fear that comes up around relationship. Get to know it, welcome it, and become an expert in how it overtakes you. Only then will you be able to find the space to make a choice that is not fear-driven. Going the next level in a relationship is stepping right into the unknown. The only way to stop the struggle is to face it completely. Then you discover you are already fulfilled, and a good relationship is icing on the cake.
Thank you so much for your post. It really resonated with me. And, I really enjoyed your ten steps to letting go of the past. I wish I could carry these steps with me on a daily basis. I come from parents that are very dysfunctional and have left me feeling very angry. I have an emotionally unsupportive father. I recently got out of a relationship and I realized that my ex is a lot like my father. To sum up the reason I ended this relationship — I was hit in the head by a metal gate on a Saturday night. My ex wanted to take me to the er, but his sister talked him out of it, said I was fine, and lied about getting hit on the head by the same gate and saying nothing happened to her, so I should be fine.
She screamed at me while I was crying, so my ex gave up and told us all to go to sleep. I wanted to pretend that I was fine. Two days later my sister took me to the doctor and I was diagnosed with a concussion.
I was left feeling so angry at my ex and his sister. This happened over the Fourth of July and I still feel angry about it. When I communicated my anger to my ex, he took no accountability for what happened, questioned me for saying what I was saying, made me feel like I was crazy for reacting, and his sister never apologized to me. He also said that i was making him upset.
I thought this was selfish and I broke up with him over text. He said ok and we never talked after that. Sometimes I still feel angry for his response, ie not taking accountability or even discussing what happened, and for the fact that his sister never apologized to me. I feel like this anger is coming from a place of approval. Am I seeking their approval for my feelings? I just feel sooo angry about it. I feel like his actions toward me mirror my parents. Instead, I have always been the one to provide him with emotional support. How do you get emotional support from others, ie how do you demand the needs you feel like you deserve?
Thank you so much for your blog! You can demand all you want, but you will get what you get. Better yet, give up looking outside yourself to get what you think you need. Work directly with your own thoughts and feelings to discover that the happiness you seek is already here in every moment. He raised her like his own until she was four.
They separated. He still got to see her at least once a week bc his grandmother watched her after school and he would sneak to see her. Time went on, her mom was in a relationship with a new guy and she found out about the sneaking visits. They droid my bf to stop seeing her because she had a relationship with her dad and the new bf wanted to build a relationship with her too…as a family. This was nearly three years ago my bf was told that he is not to contact her anymore, period.
He cries and gets sucked into these depressions over her. I mentioned taking down the pictures and he jumped all over me. What can I do? Hello, ADF, You have to start getting honest with yourself and determine what is truly best for your son and for you. You need to decide for yourself. But I know what I would do. How so true, if one views it that way. Actually, I have never seen that way, but your post has managed to give me a new perspective of looking at things now.
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Thanks for this wonderful post. So glad you stopped by, Ganeshkumar! Yes, the past is done. I love that possibility! Then, he came back.. My mistakes surely did contribute but I was never completely yay fault. I still cannot get over it. His current behaviour causes pain. Thanks for taking the time to write your comment. Sometimes unfair things happen in the world.
The best we can do — which is a lot — is to learn from what happens so we can make better choices in the future. Go out with your friends — do things that you enjoy.
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And you will. I broke up with my ex a year ago after 6 years together. This has absolutely been the toughest year of my life, it feels like everyday brings a new heartache. What I found hard to get past, and still am, is the way he treated me during the separation. I found letters from him to people telling them what a horrible person I was, I was a gold digger etc. Not surprisingly every single mutual friend never spoke to me again. It turns out he had hidden a lot of money away and he is living the high life. Even now he is overseas for a month. I have searched google for advice on how to move on so many times….
When the thoughts appear, what choice do you make? When feelings and urges come, what do you do with them? There is no magic wand to wave to make it go away. Breakdowns can come when we are forced to face something we need to deny.
How to Heal from the Pain You Carry
So until we are ready to feel with a hurt it is best not to face it. Denial like worrying or grieving if moderately present helps us to work through our fears. Studies have shown like worrying and grieving denial, moderately present, help to work through our fears and helped patients recover from surgery.
Patients were classified into those with excessive, moderate, and no worry groups depending upon how concerned they were about upcoming surgery. The quickest recovery was with the moderate group [ with moderate denial] who were content going through the pain they expected. Their sedation need was also only half as much for post opera rate pain because the proper combination of worry and denial eliminated the emotional pain. Anger has as many shapes as people have.
When angry, children wet beds, husbands withdraw behind work and newspaper, , gossip over the phone, some drown in drinks, food, pills drugs etc, if anger is swallowed long enough body will rebel with asthma attacks, ulcer, hyper tension, headaches, colitis arthritis, coronary disease and mental illness. Unresolved anger is equal destructors to emotional healing as well as physical health because swallowed anger often results in self hatred and depression.
When we say I never feel angry we probably will convert our anger into illness. Anger energizes us to change what should be changed so that we can live on a better more loving environment. When we are detached from the suffering of the poor, unemployed, rape victims, people who are subject to social injustices, we sit back and let others correct these injustices only when we are angered against these injustices do we fight. Anger also helps one to fight what one fears.
Anger can pinpoint a fear one needs to face and overcome. Burying anger can build fear that may lead to depression and suicide victor Frankle relates how in the concentration camp his fellow prisoners choose either to feel the concentration camp horrors or become angry or to feel none of the brutality and bury their anger in apathy.
Thus denying anger is unhealthy and can destroy us. Feeling anger on the other hand is as healthy reaction to being emotionally hurt as to feeling a pain is to being physically hurt. Because depression is often displaced anger turned against oneself, a good psychotherapist heals the depression by helping the client express anger in a healthy way and at the proper target. Anger is a warning that I have been emotionally hurt. I am in danger of losing myself off from God and others, so can alert me to share with a friend and God all the hurts that prick my anger.
Anger like pain pin points what gets under my skin and most needs healing. So when we feel angry it is a sign that we lose either the person hurting us or we love ourselves enough to dislike feeling hurt. Anger must be dealt with or it will deal with us Dr. Ring of the University of Nebraska Medical School diagnosed patients on the basis of a 15 mt personality interview with each patient Dr, did not ask anything at all which will reveal medical symptoms.
There are many ways of positively dealing with anger, as there are angry people some with anger work by chopping wood, scrubbing floor, taking a hot shower. These are ways to drain present anger, but past hurts remain and fester continuous anger. Many find when they can pin their feelings down into words and then share how they feel; the anger from past hurts begins to heal.
After a patient facing death quits blaming Drs and God he realizes he needs Drs and God if he is to escape death or at least postpone its hour. If I quit smoking help me to live longer I will fast Thursday and Friday let my child live. I will accept death let me see my Friend happily married — The relations are endless. Bargaining is a common reaction to hurt which is other than death, we are tempted to talk to a traffic police may be a little cash to stay out of punishment. If someone scratches our car, we are willing not to report the accident if he produces the cash for repairs.
If a neighbour spreads a malicious gossip we are willing to forgive her, if she makes a public apology.
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We forgive sinners, if they suffer criminals if they go to prisons. Variations are again endless…. Since Bargaining is primarily a mixture of anger [blaming others and wanting him to change] and depression [blaming myself and wanting to change myself] symptoms vary depending on whether i am more angry or depressed.
Bargaining is stage of measuring — cup love — always measuring what I get [because anger says he should change] against what I gave [because depression says he should change] Bargains come in many varieties of [if and only if] you change, I will forgive you…. Bargaining can also be healthy because bargains are like X-rays highlighting hidden areas. They pinpoint where my strengths that have become weakness and my weakness is not yet a strength.